Sooooo my teeth are infected.

I let it go (like I always do) for like 3 days of intense pain, waking up crying, no sleep, not able to eat, and puking from the pain going, "It's alright, it'll be fine tomorrow". I can thank Paul for that attitude lol.

Finally, Sunday...the pain stopped, and I was so happy. Sunday night...not so good. Woke up in the middle of the night with this intense, throbbing, felt like I had braces tightened pain and just could not handle it. Woke up Paul, took some SERIOUS pain meds and got maybe an hour of sleep.

Yesterday, I finally threw in the towel. Called my dentist, explained what was going on and a very nice lady was like, no worries! I'll call over some antibiotics for you! Went and got those, helped out some little old lady with a dog, and started taking them.

You wanna know the sweet thing about antibiotics? Well...funny thing, they tell you to take them 1 hour before any meal. So I've been doing that like a good girl. What happens if you take them 1 hour before a meal? They make you feel like you want to vomit! Seriously? So the 4 times a day I have to take them...I feel like vomitting. And just when that feeling starts to go away a little bit, I have to take another one. SWEET.

So, I'm going to die. Legit, going to die. OWWW

Sick...again. Blah.
It seems like every every other week now I'm coming down with something. Paul thinks it's just from exhaustion, and I partially believe he's right.

Other then sickness, things have been good. Halloween was a little dramatic, but nothing to bad. The boys ended up going to another party (at a college...because college parties are SO much fun.....) and our friend Ern only had three passes, so he got Mike, John, and Tony in before us. Paul and I were a little upset but we ended up going to Leitrums and having a blast. It was PACKED. We went with his biffles Corey, Frollo, Frollo's girlfriend Avery and a few other boys. I ended up getting WASTED. I was dancing on tables and just laughing and having a great time. Plus, the night before was Fookie's Halloween Party and Morija and I got a little ridiculous so, I was exhausted Sunday and spent pretty much the whole day in bed with Paul.

So, with the whole being upset about us (Paul and I) not being invited to the Halloween party with the boys, each one of them thought we were upset with each one individually. Originally, it was suppose to be Mike, Tony, and Lewis and John was going to spend the night with us but Lewis bailed so John got cornered into going. So, none of us talked for like a day and a half (which is a LONG time for how much I talk to all of those boys hahaha), and I got an extremely heart felt letter from John just saying he was sorry. I had to explain the whole reason why I was upset and basically I just wanted to spend Halloween with my friends and was sad I didn't get too. We talked about it, and everything was good.

I made spaghetti's for Paul, Tony, John, and I and we all just drank wine, watched a movie, and smoked SO much hookah. It was great. I honestly love all those boys like they were my brothers. If one's picking on me, one of them will stick up for me, and they all love to include us in whatever there doing. Even if it's just getting a coffee at Starbucks. It's slowing filling the void where I felt something was missing...and I don't feel as empty anymore. I'm still having a rough time getting over a broken friendship, definitely. I'd be lying if I could say "I'm over it" this soon. But their helping.

Alright. Have to take a shower and go into work. I need to attempt to get something done today. Womp womp. AND I just remembered the white hot chocolate Paul brought me at 10 sitting on my night stand. God do I love him.

Love, Peace, and Grease.

"Is it strained, when I call you
Or do you think, that I might forget
oh your love, is radiating…
The farther away
I go.
Do you count, on me now
And do you wait, up for me all night
I wish I could run, to you when you need me
You know I can’t be far
…..for long
(( for long ))
:: Chorus ::
Heart don’t fail me now
Cause there is no time to waste
Don’t shut me out, we shouldn’t wait another day…
I’ve searched for you, on my hearts high speed chase
Hear me out, may be the only chance to say
Hold me now….
I’ve said it Every Other Way"
-BT

His new song, not even released. The Rose of Jericho is excellent. God do I love him. His music, is inspiration.

Love, Peace, and Grease.

"Do you tend to forgive and forget or hold grudges? What is the longest you've ever stayed angry with someone? Is there anything the other person could say or do to win back your friendship and trust?"

You know what? I used to say no to this. Simple, no questions asked. I wish I could say the same now, but I do.

About two years ago, I was making really stupid decisions, and I was feeling really down on myself. As a result of that, I hurt some people I was really close to. Not intentionally of course, but nevertheless I hurt them. I was drinking, a lot. I had no respect for myself, and certainly no respect for others. I was doing anything and everything to get the attention I was so craving. And with that, I was letting down my friends. People who had stuck by me and stuck up for me suddenly weren't answering my phone calls, avoided seeing me, and were getting into needless fights with me. I can't blame them. I was a monster and who wants to be friends with a monster?

Things have changed now. I'm in a happy place in my life. I have a good job that I'm happy doing, and a man I couldn't even imagine myself being without. With positive changes came time for me to reflect on everything I had done, and attempt to reach out and express apologies. It was rough at first, but eventually my friends came around to say, "We all make mistakes."

Now, there are only two people I can really think of holding a grudge against for a long, long time. I hold these grudges now being in a positive place in my life, and I'm angry with them because of what they have done to me, not because I am unhappy with my own life. My mother and Nicole.

My mother, it's nothing new. She is a horrible person, and I almost have to sit back and try to laugh about it because she's just that bad. I will never truly forgive her for all the awful things she has done to me. What would make the forgiving process easier, would be for her to stop drinking. Unfortunately, she will always choose that over her own children. She always has. You are suppose to love your children and do anything unconditionally for them, love them, shelter them, care for them, make sure they have the basic things in life to succeed. Not my mother. And for that, I cannot forgive a women who ignores basic instinct to love her own off-spring over her own poor decisions. The only thing she could ever say to me that would peek my interest to have a conversation with her worth having would be, "Alex, I am an alcoholic." That's all. Admittance. Until she can do that, I consider her a stranger to my life.

Nicole, ah. The Nicole subject. My stance on this is simple, She is an awful person and I don't need people like her in my life. Am I sorry she's not ever going to be a part of the big important things that we had always talked about? Of course. It hurts me a little bit everyday. It's like I've been dating someone for 14 years. I don't think I'll ever be fully over it. However, I have seen the person she really is now, and her true colors are so ugly. She's not who I remembered her to be. She used to be such a good friend and now she's just this terrible little monster who has no respect for herself or anyone else.

It always came back to, "Alex, you've changed" for her reasoning in not liking me. Yes, I have. I've grown up. I'm not desperate to get drunk, risk my future doing something stupid so the people I'm with will like me, or pretend I'm someone I'm not to get a boy to like me. I work hard 5 days, and I have a family I support. I respect my father, and I make an honest effort to better my relationship with him. I respect my friends, and I make an honest effort in all my friendships. I wish I could say that I've changed into this awful person that she would have a reason not to like. No. It's because I'm an adult now, I'm not as crazy as I used to be because I can't afford to. I have responsibilities. I always had to be the one to sit her down and say the things she didn't want to hear. Because no one else would. So. I will never forgive how unimportant she made me feel, and how selfish she was. To answer that question, I will hold that grudge until the day I die. There is nothing she could ever say to me that would change that.

That's all I can really say I guess. I never held grudges because I was nervous they would never be a part of my life again, and I was to unstable to loose people in my life. I'm happy now. I don't need people in my life that are going to bring me down. They brought so much negativity into my life, I will never allow that to happen again. I will move on slowly, and I will take the time to build new friendships. I am in no hurry to rush people into my life that I hardly know to make me feel important. I already have amazing people in my life that love me for me. For that I am thankful. For that I will no backtrack.

For that, I hold grudges.

Love, Peace, and Grease.

Football sundays are quickly becoming my favorite tradition. Nothing better then being around all my friends and just having a good time.

That is all.

Love, Peace, and Grease.

Going to the Apple Store to buy Paul a laptop we can't afford.
Buying a Halloween costume that makes me look like a slut.
AND most importantly, drinking this week-end with my lady love.

Great Success!


Love, Peace and Grease.

UG. The people I work with AGGRAVATE ME. I've been trying to set up these two cars going over to Brazil for 3...close to 4 months. Each time, car hasn't been ready, customers not ready, dealerships not ready. Finally, this month the dealership calls me up to say "It's a go." So, I need to arrange shipping to get the two cars to port, today. I call Aldo (my international guy) Wednesday to double check the address on the port, and he informs me the cars haven't even been booked with him. Great.
So I call the dealership, and guess what? The guy I've been talking to is out for the rest of the week! So, talk to another guy there, blah blah blah get everything situated. Aldo tells me that he needs to Title and Bill of Sale, and guess what? No one at the dealership decides that his call is important enough to return. So now, the cars aren't leaving for another month. The guy, calls me up and starts yelling at me, talking over me, telling me it's MY fault. NOPE. I did everything I was suppose to do. Why he did book the cars to go overseas, beyond me. Tom's livid and ready to tear this guy a new one. AND I wasn't making any money on the deal anyways. Ridiculous...

On another note, I'm taking a trip out to CT tonight with my bebes, Flan, Lewis, and Tone to go to the Smoke Shopp. Goooood times. Can't wait to smoke hookah tonight! We're heading over to Spiritual Haze when we get back and getting a drink and hookah. Love my friends :) Hopefully we'll still be able to go apple picking, despite the snow! Tom's dating the girl whose family owns Tougas farm, and he said they'll still be open. It'll be so cold though!

Paul and I have decided we are sleeping in SOOO late Saturday. It's much deserved for the two of us. Monday, I'll start my hunt for a second job. Neeeeed some extra cash flow. Fun weekend ahead!!!

Love, peace and grease. ;)

SO much for THAT.

I'm soooooo sick to death of these little bitches that think they know everything. GOD it drives me NUTS.
If someone fucking goes out of their way to be nice to you, be a fucking adult about it and either just say something polite back, or SHUT THE FUCK UP and don't say anything.

Common courtesy has gone OUT the fucking window with these dumb sluts. If this is the next generation...I'm terrified to raise my kids amongst people like that. These people that are just stuck in their own little "I'm a tough bitch" bubbles.

I wish I was a violent person sometimes, I SOOO wish it. Cause I would LOVE to fucking lay a bitch down right now.

Watch your fucking mouth when people are fucking nice to and stop being such a cum slut.

Paul bought me a bowl. I'm gonna smoke some weeed and mellow out before I have a stroke over the little fucking wastes of fucking air that fucking parents allow to live. If your kids a fucking little shit bag dumb cunt with no respect, send IT the fuck away from normal society so we don't have to fucking deal with it. GOD.

This weekend was a mixture of fun, and relaxing.

Friday night, because my trip to B-Town got cancelled, we had all the boys over and played Wii and drank until 3 in the morning. Paulie bought me the Sims 3!! Needless to say I was up all night in my own little world playing that. That and I decided on a whim to go back to blonde, and had the boys help me. THAT turned into a mess. My roots were platinum blonde, and the rest of my hair was this weird reddish color.

Paul and I slept in on Saturday morning, and took a trip to Wallie World to buy the correct hair color. His show (final show I should say) was Saturday night. Tone and Delorto ended up coming to mainly keep me company, and it was just loud and obnoxious. So, we all made plans to go the Amsterdam lounge after the show, and Flan calls up Tone and is just like, "Hey...let's all go down to R.W.!" So, my really good friend from high school Nate goes to school there, so I call him up and he's like, "Yeah, you can all sleep in my dorm!". So we all head back to Paul's dad's house, buy some boos and food, pile in the car and head down there. We get down there and Nate was at a party, and he told me he would leave in a half hour. Half an hour goes buy. Nate's still at party. So we wonder around the campus looking for people to invite us to a party ahah. Long story short, we don't end up doing anything and we drive home at like...2:30 in the morning, get lost, Flan is like happy angry, and we're all just over tired and being obnoxious.

Sunday we slept pretty much alll day. We just woke up and Paul decided we were just going to play Wii all day (well, he did and I played my Sims 3). Delorto and I had a chatski and he ended up coming over because he's been bummed with the whole Liddy situation. We all just drank, played video games and smoked the hookah. I'm exhausted though because I slept so much yesterday I didn't sleep at ALL last night.

Pretty much fun weekend. And now wooork all week. We're going apple picking at some point this week and having a baking night. Just making SOOO MUCH apple crisp. -drool- I need to make a LOT of money this week for Paul's b-day present. His birthday is a little more then a week. He REALLY wanted a drum machine, but $300 I just can't do right now. SO. I'm going to get him a nice keyboard he's been dying to get for weeks. And a few little things, but mainly the keyboard.

Alright, alright.
Back to work.

Peace Love

Shipping cars.
Working with Alexis.
Dinner and Wii with Dad and Bro and Paul.
Club U tonight with the ladies.
Boys Night tomorrow.
Paul show Saturday.
Apple picking Sunday.


WHEW.

<3

Either I'm still just plain old sick, or I'm getting re-sick.

Can't decide.

Teaaaaaaaaaaaa.

UG. I am so sore. Taking a moment from shipping cars.

So, yesterday after work (which Paul brought me in flowers!!) we both headed over to Toys R Us in hopes we'd purchase a non-expensive board game. We were looking to have a nice quiet game night, just the two of us.

We picked out Family Feud, and made our way over to check-out *aka talking to Vega*. So, Paul starts talking to Vega, and I'm checking out cute little camera's and new video games that have come out. Next thing I know, Paul gets real close, and puts his hands in mine and just has the HUGE smile on his face. He leans in real close, and whispers, "Baby...wanna buy a Wii?"

Next thing I know, we're apply for a Toys R Us credit card, and we're just sort of piling on what we need on top on the game system. He's laughing, a little nervous.

$339 later, we walk out with a Wii, two new games, batteries, and a Yoshi shirt for me (it came free with the Wii.)

Long story short, our little quiet game night turned into Paul, his dad, and I competing in various Wii Sport Games. We were up until 1:30 playing it hahaha! It was great though.

ANYWAYS I'm a little distracted at work. Looking at Facebook's with girl's I know with their children. A lot of them younger girls. It makes me want a kid, and Paul and I definitely cannot WAIT to have one, but I'd like to live out my early 20's not worrying about a baby. I know most of them probably weren't planned, and I would be just as happy to have a little one come along unexpectedly...but, not yet. It definitely tickles at me a little bit though...I can't wait to be a mom.



Peace. Love.

You can close your eyes it's over now
It's over now
You can close your eyes it's over

Baby, baby, baby
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever been afraid like this
It's over now

I've seen it watching me
That misty thing
Without a face
It weaves my thoughts
Lined them up in black lace
It buries my shape
And leaves no trace

Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again
Make a wish
Tell me have you ever felt alone like this

Better do it, sure
Just wishing
I could move in some more

Tomorrow I will have no shame
And I will start again
Make a wish
You can close your eyes it's over now
Baby I have never been afraid like this
You can close your eyes it's over now
Make a wish

I took off my shoes
I took off my face
And then I undid the buttons on my dress
I will start again

Make a wish
You can close your eyes it's over now
Tell me have you ever been exposed like this
You can look into your mind
Baby, baby, baby
Feels like a kiss
You can close your eyes and start again
I bet you never thought that I could feel like this

Tomorrow I will have no shame
Tomorrow I will have no shame
Make a wish...

Subject speaks for itself.


Seems as though someone should spend some time getting their priorities straight.


Peace.

Aunt Susan's funeral.....was awful. That's the only word I have for it. It was awful. It just really sucked, and I'm so happy I had Paul with me.

Came home, napped for a hot second and the boys came over for a fire.

And I'm still sick and going to bed. Cause....yeah, everything about today just sucked.


You are truly missed.

Peace. Love.

Paul is rubbing Tucker's butt.....hardcore. And making these really strange noises.



Yeah.....

Dear Cold,

You suck.

Love, Alex.

Another lost day of working.

Unfortunately with everyone sick in my office, I have to fallen victim to the cold that's been going around. I feel sooo icky. Despite me feeling like absolute CRAP this morning, I sucked it up and dragged myself into work and finished up some business.

Hopefully more people will start buying cars out of state. KEEP ME EMPLOYED.

I went out and saw Marcus for the first time in.... maybe 8 months. And sad to say, it doesn't look like he's doing well. I meet him at the Blackstone Tap maybe around 9:00, and he was slurring and just had this glazed look in his eyes. It was really disappointing to see this man I used to have so much respect and feeling for, just a mess. I'd go into more detail, but it's really not appropriate.

It's Alexis' birthday tonight, and sadly I don't know if I'm going to make it out. I just feel so crappy. Riley's curled up in a little ball on pillow next to me, just being adorable!

UCK. I think I'm going to pop a Benadrly and call it quits for the afternoon. I'm so exhausted and my throat is KILLING me. Nap time :)

Peace. Love.

I'm going to see a dear old friend in a little bit.



What makes me nervous, is just how much he's changed.

So, if I haven't said something yet, I found out last Wednesday that my Aunt Susan had passed away...a week before the date anyone found it. And up until last night, I hadn't really thought about it. Not that I didn't care, I just didn't want to think about it. And I don't know exactly what triggered it last night, but it definitely hit me like a bus.

Flan, Tone, Delorto, Paul and I decided to have a huge fire yesterday in the new fire pit Paul had dug. So we're all relaxing, drinking a couple beers, and the night winds down nicely. I head up to bed, like I usually do, a little bit before Paul. Actually, now that I think of it, Paul had mentioned that we couldn't do anything Saturday because it was her ceremony at my dad's house.

Anyways, going up to bed, I just sort of got really really sad very suddenly, and Paul kept putting his hand on my back and quietly asking me if I was ok. I just sort of shrugged it off.

My Aunt Susan died in hot cramped trailer somewhere in Alabama. She suffered from a heart-attack, fell, suffered, and died. No one found her body for a week.

No one came looking for her. No one noticed she hadn't come out of her trailer. No one had called, or if they did didn't think anything of her not picking up. Where was her family? Where was her boyfriend, or husband? Where were her neighbors? Where was her best friend? I just found myself sobbing in Paul's arms, begging him not to let me die alone. Although everyone does ultimately die alone....to die so scared, and helpless...is awful.

What's most upsetting, is all I could think was what if that was me? If Paul and I ever broke up, and I went off living by myself, he would never even know because you don't just call up ex-girlfriends to see what's up once a week. My family, I hardly ever talk to them. Once a week, maybe. But my brother thinks nothing of it if I don't pick up my phone. And I don't have a best friend any more. Not that the one I did have ever call, or want to hang out randomly. But that's another story... Anyways, all those things kept running through my head. If I were to fall, or get sick...would anyone really notice until it was too late, and my family had to get a phone call saying my body has been rotting away for a week because no one noticed I was missing?

I don't have a single person that thinks to call me up every couple days just to chat for a few minutes, or to get together, or to just share a funny story. Or for that matter, even when I did I was always the one doing the calling, and she was always to busy to take a minute for me. It's sad that while she thinks she's surrounding herself with all these people that can show her a good time, but don't care about her as a person or watch out for the decisions she's making, she's left the one person in the dust who cared for 14 years. I'm the one left crying and having anxiety about dying alone because my best friend decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Even after all I did and all the good things I tried to do for her, I'm the one left suffering.

I guess my Aunt Susan's death just sort of struck a nerve with that whole situation. And I miss her and I wish so bad someone had been there for her...

So, I took a half a day today to regain some mental health. I'm sitting in bed with my little girl and I cannot wait until 5 o'clock comes and I get to see my hunni. Anyways...I'm going to take a nap...relax. It's well deserved.

Peace. Love.